MARKETPLACE – Oct 2 – You think in a recession couples would turn to one another for comfort. In a poll released a couple of months ago by ING Direct almost a third of Americans said the economy has added stress and even ruined their marriages and other romantic relationships.
On the other hand, some of the more popular online dating sites like E-Harmony and Perfect Match are reporting double digit growth but for all the love connections there is not much talk of money compatibility, Sally Herships reports.
Diana Irafe lives in Tuscaloosa, Alabama and she used to run a crane and forklift in a steel mill. Life was good and she was making big money. She fell in love with a local guy, got married and that’s when the problems started. Her mom got sick and Diana had to head out of town to see her. When she got home she found a boat in her yard. It turns out her husband had gone shopping. What is this? Why did you buy this boat? We don’t need a boat? Oh and that’s not all on top of the boat there were the car racing parts, $6,500 for a super charger for his Mustang and then there was the racing…
Not long after they were divorced. Irafe did end up looking for love again, eventually. But this time she wanted to be more cautious and to find a guy who shared her attitude towards money. So she went online, digital daters will tell you one benefit of using a dating site is prescreening. Irafe asked potential dates if they were spenders or savers, if they liked going out for big meals and worrying about the bill later.
Irafe: Sometimes it’s not enough to just be in love. I was definitely in love with my ex-husband but it didn’t last. He ended up misusing money and it hurt me very badly. It seemed like the ultimate disrespect.
E-Harmony is perhaps the best known site for questioning daters.
At E-Harmony we prescreen each and every member for you to determine your matches based on compatibility.
But although they ask more than 250 questions only one is about money. Here it is how frugal are you? E-Harmony says its method of matching is the ideal barometer for predicting healthy pairs. So it doesn’t need to ask specific questions about money habits. But PerfectMatch.com says you do need to ask.
Dr. Pepper Schwartz creating the matching algorithm for the site and she says, money questions are so important, Perfect Match even offers a test called Money & Economic Aspirations.
Dr. Schwartz: Now with the economic down turn I need to think and worry about money much more then I used to. That might be different from I like to buy really nice things and have often spent more money than I can afford. Those are 2 different kinds of people.
I asked Schwartz how she knows which questions to ask.
Dr. Schwartz: I don’t pretend to understand attraction but I do know there is a literature that talks about long term compatibility. I can tell you, for example, we have very good social science information that if people don’t pool all their money they will fight about money less.
Translation Schwartz say her research shows if a married couple keeps separate accounts as well as a joint account they tend not to argue about money as much. Schwartz says Perfect Match asks questions to figure out what you expect financially in a relationship, like I very much prefer to be with someone who earns more money than I do and is financially secure. True or false? But can an online test score a perfect union?
Eli Finkel is a psychologist at Northwestern University and he says the success of these dating sites has yet to be proven. But he says one thing we do know is that actually daters don’t know what they want especially about money. Confused? Here is an example. A single woman, we’ll call her Jasmine, participated in a speed dating study Finkel did.
Dr. Finkel: And she was at the very top of the scale in terms of her preferences for a man with good earning prospects even in a speed dating partner.
In other words, Jasmine wanted a man with money. But then the classic story – girl meets boy, girl changes her mind but since this is speed dating Jasmine changes her mind really fast.
Dr. Finkel: Well what he wants to do is play the trombone on a cruise ship.
Not exactly a guy with big bucks, Finkel says that’s the danger with online dating, screening and money. People might think they know what they want but put the same group in a room together and predefined ideas like Jasmine’s will fly right out the window.
Dr. Finkel: There is reason to believe that asking people what they want is not the best way of getting at what they actually want.
So if you’re single Finkel says don’t try to pick your own online match, you might miss out on your trombone player. Or you can just remember the most important question you can ask about money in a relationship is whether someone is willing to answer more questions about money in that relationship.
I’m Sally Herships for Market Place Money.