EVAN MARC KATZ — Apr 3 — My father got cancer and I am helping care for him. I am 45 living in NYC with "Parents/extended family." How do you put that in a profile? – Alan
Great question, Alan – one that defies an easy answer.
Reasons to tell the truth:
1) It's easier to remember
2) You won't have to explain yourself later
3) It's the commonly accepted and ethical thing to do.
4) You wouldn't want someone to lie to you.
Reasons to not tell the truth:
1) It sounds like a big red flag
2) It requires a lot of explanation
3) It falls under the category of "Too Much Information"
4) It will eliminate most potential candidates right off the bat
Living with your parents falls in the same tricky category as a 71 year old woman or a 5'2" man. Just being who you are – when people feel like they have infinite options – is not always the most effective strategy. In fact, for people on the extremes of height, weight, age, etc – online dating is not going to be your best bet. You probably do better in real life based on charm, kindness and personality as opposed to that "checklist" people use when searching online.
I hate going on record to advocate for anything less than full disclosure, but that's what I'm going to recommend to you. And while all the hypocrites can complain that lying is always wrong, I'll still believe that it's the best course of action.
The full article was originally published at Evan Marc Katz's Blog, but is no longer available.
Mark Brooks: Hi Evan, :-) …I'm still going to recommend telling the truth. Sugar coat it, but tell the truth Alan. Women will always be drawn to honest men. There's a shortage of them. Your comments please…
Honesty is by far the best policy. The distinction is whether or not you feel that withholding information becomes a form of lying. In the world of online dating, full disclosure may not be the best policy. With little or no control over who reads your profile, revealing too much personal information gives rise to questions of safety. While a profile should not be misleading, it should also not volunteer personal identifying material such as your employer, schools attended, or as in this case, current living situation.
My advice:
I would mention in the profile that I have “roommates”, and I would wait until at least a second date before I explained the nature and reason for those roommates.
If one were between jobs, not unemployed, but had decided to make a career move and had many options, just had not chosen one, I would not suggest describing yourself as unemployed. I would use the word that best describes your field (attorney, sales, accountant, etc.) to describe your employment.
This is as honest as saying anything else, because the mitigating circumstances would take too long for a profile and the brief explanation would be more misleading than the sugar-coated version.
I wouldn’t put it in the profile at all. While caring for a family member with cancer is a very noble thing to do, this sort of information is not in itself going to get people interested. It’s what you say to explain the situation further, once you’ve sat down with someone on a first date, charmed her and then had to tell her about your living situation. If your dating site has a tick box system and you have to pick, then go with Roommates, rather than “living at home” as suggested above, and make a point of explaining yourself ASAP in person.
Agree with Shimrit. That conversation is for the first date.
Actually, I agree with Evan. I may think it a bit odd that a 45-y-o man has a roommate, and of course the “Live with parents” thing is out of the question… I would stick around for a man who didn’t reveal this information until even a second date. What he is doing is noble, and what I would do, so I can relate. I’d go with the “Live Alone” box, and relax and let her know face-to-face. Life throws curveballs. Kudos to this guy for even getting out there and continuing to be social while being a caretaker- caretakers must also take care of themselves. This question isn’t a biggie- it’s a small bump in the road for this man.